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I was laying in bed last night with a million thoughts running through my mind as usual. Running over the past few days or months in my head. As I laid there I was reminded of a night months ago. A night that gave me a sense of security and self awareness. I laid on the couch laughing at some of the most hilarious comedy I'd ever heard just after dinner and a beer after a really rough day. Snuggling up on this unfamiliar yet comforting couch talking with a friend. A few hours later I went to bed with tons of blankets laid across me and pillows surrounding me.  I hadn't slept in days, when did it was that restless uncomfortable sleep that was pointless because you felt like you're head never hit the pillow.  This night was different, it was cozy and comforting with the view of the sky and the smell of fresh linen. I was gone the minute I laid my head down. No restlessness, no waking every hour. The next morning so vividly I remember waking to the smell of fresh coffee, not wanting to move because I'd slept better that night than I had in months and it was the coziest bed I'd ever been in. I got out of bed, made myself a cup of coffee with this devine sugar with a hint of vanilla bean. That is a smell to die for. I laid around in PJ's and watch some of the most amazing things. Things I had just been introduced too. One inparticular, Sigur Ros...this is the most unusual and extrodinary music I've ever heard. It gives you this sense of calmness. It's beautiful sounds made into this indescribable music that just gives you this sense of serenity. And watching the story behind it all makes it even better.

I'm  not sure why I started writing all this two nights ago, it's always so much more clear when it all comes to me, but this made me smile. It reminded me of that  feeling of "me" again. Something that I've held onto dearly this past year. Sometimes something happens in your day or once in a lifetime even, that reminds you of everything you are. Those little pieces of you that got tucked away somewhere, the innocense you once felt as a child. The comfort that something so small gives you.
There's a few memories made this past year that I will always hold very close to remind me of those moments of feeling at peace, feeling free. Those that remind me everyday of how important that journey was. How important the journey still is. And how important it is to never lose myself again.

Without the past year, I wouldn't have been reminded of how important being happy and fulfilled is. Or how so quickly the people we can take for granted can be gone in just a instant. We all get caught up in every day life, I know I do. But- even if it's just for a moment, it's so important to embrace the people that surround you. The people that make your world turn.



Current Mood:
refreshed refreshed
Current Music:
Peter Cetera
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With all the chaos in my life in the past 2+ years, it has finally started to pay off. Days I didn't think would come but they have. I am happy to say that things have gotten really good for me in the past month or so. It has been a really long road and honestly I didn't think much would change. If you'd ask me 6 months ago, I would have said " Hell No!" but today, well today I feel no stress, no chaos, no sadness...and haven't in weeks. I've acknowledge from the beginning that this would be hard and it was a stretch to say the least to even hope that my marriage would or could work. But it is. IT IS working! I'm relieved and happy. We are finally in the same book, on the same page, for the first time in probably 11 years.

We've learned to tackle things together instead of fighting to see who gets there first or to see who is right and wrong. We are finally a team but the very thing that I was fearful of losing, my individuality, is still  THERE. It isn't gone. I've maintained my position on the things that are important to me, the things that define me and who I am.  I am proud of myself for that. This was always something I struggled with or just gave up. We respect each other more than ever now. It is amazing honestly, maybe because I really just didn't think it was possible for us.

I've been very preoccuppied with being back home and focusing on my marriage and just family in general, we've sort of removed ourselves from everyone else which may seem like things are falling back into the same old routine but that isn't the case. After the first 2 weeks I was home and things were really hard and I thought that there was no way in hell I could stay and we could change anything, I realized that I had to take some time away from the rest of the world to try to focus on getting to where we needed to be, well the start of where we needed to be. It has helped and I think it was something I needed and now that things are going in the right direction, I can redirect some of my focus on other things.
Current Mood:
hopeful hopeful
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It is amazing how so much can change in such little time. I've moved back home with my husband. It's been about a month I believe. Things are good. For once things seem really good. We have had many many long talks about things that have happen and what is now left in the past. Our expectations in our relationship and life in general. It's been a long road and I know that we will have to be consistent in making changes and sticking to what we've said to get to where we want to be.

In the past few months I've had to make some major decisions and choices, some of which I never realized I would be faced with. I've had to let go of some things that I held close. I know that some of the choices I've made were hard, some heartbreaking but something that will benefit me in the long run. It's amazing at the people you consider close to you and you don't realize how selfish they are until your life falls apart and they aren't there. Fortunately, for me, I do have other people in my life that have time again showed how much they cared about me and my family and their well being.

more later...
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I had a million things to say this morning and as the day went on, it became more hectic and stressful and I'm left with few words. I'm exhausted and right now I'm on the edge of the cliff. I've been trying to take things day by day, thinking that it would make things easier however it does not seem so. Most of the time I feel lost and alone. The thing is, I know I'm not alone. I have some of the most supportive and loving people in my life. There was a time in my life where I didn't have these people or people that remotely resembled the greatness of this circle of family. For once in my life, there is a small part of me that can relax even when my world is falling apart because I know I won't be alone.

The past 4 weeks have been a struggle though when you get right down to it, this all started months ago. The struggle to hold my marriage together..to hold everything together. I thought as long as I loved and loved that I could do it, somehow I could fix everything. To my surprise, I was so wrong, I was wrong about it all. I've come to realize that it doesn't matter how long you've fought or how long you've tried to hold it together, none of it makes it any easier. I'm still sort of walking around in this fog not seeing where I'm going but I just keep stumbling around in hopes to find something familiar.  While I realize that it won't always be this way, it sure as hell sucks while it's here.  I've never been so much in this "just here" state, not knowing what I want or even what I feel at times. I wonder if it's worth it. I feel like I gave up my soul and didn't even realize it at the time. You fall in love and somehow forget the things that mold you...the things that you value and cherish close to your heart. Only in the past 4 weeks I've been able to get some of those things back, little bits and pieces at a time. I'm left looking back with amazement at the things we sacrifice for the sake of someone else. Most of the time, we don't even know that is what we're doing. It just happens a little at a time until you're gone and left with a reflection of who you once were............
Current Mood:
drained drained
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Three weeks ago I left my husband after months well years of struggling to hold things together. So many things have changed over the years, I've changed and grown in so many ways. I'm at a crossroads, not knowing which way to turn. I've been very fortunate to have the people I have in my life now.  They are my rock and have supportive me from the beginning and has helped me in so many ways.

I look back at the past and realize how much has changed and evolved in my life and around me. How I've sort of locked myself away and haven't allowed me to be me in a really long time. Trying to meet the expectations of other people and forgetting who I really am, forgetting the things I love and the things that are important to me. Thinking that somehow I was suppose to measure up to people that are nothing like me, people that don't have a clue about reality yet. The meaning of family, friendship and the daily responsibilities that I have. I am so glad that I realized that I love me, I don't have to measure up to anyone.... for anyone. It's okay to be me and there are people that accept and love me for who I am. It's taken me a really long time to realize that but It makes such a huge difference now.

I don't know what is to come next. For now, I'm taking it day by day. That's all I can do. I was with my husband for 11 years. I love him, but I've learned I have to love myself more. Everything wasn't bad, but the bad started outweighing the good. Then I realized I had to make a choice. It is one of the hardest choices I've made. I don't know if we will eventually work things out or not. The ideal situation for probably most people including me would be to stay married and raise our kids together. The past few months I've figured out that sometimes the 'ideal' situation isn't always what's best. There are days that I struggle with this and there's days that I know for now, I've made the right choice for everyone involved regardless of how hard or heartbreaking it is.

I have came really far in the past few weeks. A month ago or even a year ago, I felt incomplete and worthless, sad and alone. I have felt so unattractive and repulsive at times. And for once in a really long time I am doing things on my own terms and that includes embracing myself and who I am. I stood in front of the mirror just a few days ago and for the first time in years I felt attractive and satisfied. Things are not perfect for me right now but things are never perfect and that's okay.
Current Mood:
content content
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 " I'M ASKING YOU TO BELIEVE.

Not just in my ability to bring about real change in Washington..I'm asking you to believe in yours." -Barack Obama

Hell Yeah Obama Won

Barack Obama

Current Mood:
cheerful cheerful
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"Religion without truth is the destoyer of the soul"

I found this quote in my moms jewelry box. I don't know how I have missed this before because I have looked through it many times. Even placed her obit. in there which was right beside it. And somehow missed it until now. 

So, now I am wondering why she kept it, it must have had some meaning to her. I don't know. But I think it is very true.


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Ok, so months ago I decided to get a little more involved in voting and learning more about the elections and the people running. Well I have to admit I haven't done nearly the research I should and I am still totally clueless about who I want to vote for and what alot of them are really about. 

So, today, I am reading. I am reading on the major issues, the debates and I am going to learn more about these people. I'm 26 and I have never voted. That's a little, alot ridiculous. One of these people will be running our country. So, time to step it up. 

Going to read now. I am starting with the Democrats. I have a long way to go.

Current Mood:
curious curious
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I hate people that lie
tell stories
kiss peoples ass
gossip about what isn't their bussiness
and try to be nice and pretend to be your friend

And when confronted with the dumbass shit they did, they try to turn it around like you don't know what you are talking about.
Luckily I am good at scoping the losers out earlier
but it really just gets on my nerves
and people wonder why I am such a bitch sometimes because
I always tell people what I think or how I feel about something without
tip toeing around them
what is the point, it waste entirely to much time
Frankly, I really don't think I'm such a bitch, I'm just honestly not fake
I don't kiss your ass to promote myself or pretend to be your buddy
and talk about you as soon as you walk off.
I either like you or I don't.
If I don't, I make no effort to conversate with you. Again, what is the point. Just to be nice, polite, fuck that.
I have to much to do to waste time on people that I know doesn't really care about me. I'd rather put my energy towards those I love and those that love me.

I'm just sayin.

( quietly sitting on the soapbox now)
 
Current Mood:
amused amused
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