Only in the recent weeks have I come to some place in my heart where I can distinguish the mixed emotions that have continued to battle each other over the past year. And here I am, not mad anymore, not completely torn apart and heartbroken like I once was. Make no mistake, my heart still hurts because I love you and I miss you every day. Some days it's still overwhelming but I manage, I imagine just as you do.
I woke up in the middle of the night about a week ago, after dreaming about you. Which I've done a lot in recent weeks. Dream of you, things that we've gone through over the past few years. I've realized that because of you, I am so much stronger than I was. I guess in some way I looked up to you. This strong, beautiful woman who knew how to stand up and fight for what she wanted and what she knew was right. Not allowing people to trample over her. Something I haven't always possessed. Something I wanted and needed to move forward in my life. To learn to let go and realize that some things I couldn't change. Some people I couldn't change. Some things are just broken and were not for me to fix. For the first time in years I walk without fear. Expanding without fear or reservation. I've learned to be self-reliant and well...make my own path. I had a lot to learn and I'm sure that the journey is only beginning. The lessons never end, do they?
I guess the saying is right... some things are meant for a season, not a life time. That's a hard thing to grasp. In my heart, I hold onto the possibility that somehow one day we will get passed all this. But I guess that's the part that feels empty without you. But, there's the other part that knows that door has been closed.
Thank you for everything you've ever done. For holding my hand when I had no one else, for reminding me that I could do anything. I just had to take the first step. And only I could take that step. For allowing me to be a part of the lives of some of the most amazing people I've ever met. I hope that when you look back, all the good overshadows the bad.
Thank you for loving me...