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In · the · gentle · depths · of · the · soul..


I don't know how many times I've sat down to write, simply to get it…

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I don't know how many times I've sat down to write, simply to get it off my chest and it all just leaves me. I guess I should get up out of bed at 3am when I wake with all the overwhelming stuff in my head. It's been a year since I wrote in my journal. In that year, my life has change dramatically. There were many lessons to be learned and many came in the last year. After a very rough few months, I had the courage to file for divorce. After 14 years of struggling, begging, pleading, fighting for my marriage, my life, I walked away when there was no other choice. I stand by that decision 11 months later. The divorce is still in the process unfortunately but it shouldn't be much longer. My soon to be ex-husband and I have managed to have a whole new relationship and get along very well. We talk daily about the kids and things that relate to them. He's moved on, which is a good thing for me I'm sure. He's living with a women and her son. Surprisingly enough I get along well with her, she's very good to my kids.
I've dated around a little. Dated someone for about 4 months, turned out he needs to be medicated....I think he's worse than my ex-husband but on a whole different level. He reminds me of those men that are nice, comforting, nurturing one minute and then flips the script the next, then apologizes..and suddenly one day they try to kill you. I know that sounds drastic, but I'm certain he has some very serious mental issues going on. Very possessive and jealous, but very sweet and nurturing at other times.. very, very creepy. So needless to say, I'm done with that. Learned my lesson once, no need to learn it twice.
I lost my best friend, actually a few friends. That's a whole different post that I'm still not ready to tackle. I'm not sure which was harder. Losing my husband or my best friend. It all happened at once, and I was in a very bad place in my life. Very confused, very hurt and in a constant state of disarray. I made choices that ultimately hurt a lot of people and ended relationships.
At this point in my life, I've learned to stand on my own, walk alone. I was very dependent on people in my life, for emotional support, steering me in the right direction. I've learned to make my own choices without the input of everyone else. Without fear. I've realized that no relationship can survive anything. It's simply not possible. I still have rough days, days that the hurt is just as raw as it was 6 months ago, a year ago..but I know it takes time. Some days I feel very lost without the love and support I once had but I remind myself that what's done is done, and there's no going back. That my only choice is to move forward and move on.
At this point I know I've taken steps to better myself. To make a better life for me and my kids. I'm not in constant turmoil, for the most part, I'm pretty content. I'm not in overdrive 24/7 anymore. I sleep better most days. There was months that I was barely sleeping, sometimes I'd go days with no sleep.
I'm enrolled in school for the summer, something I've wanted to do for years and just never felt like I could. I've considered moving a lot over the past year. Something that still sits on my mind and it's something I'd like to do.
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