I look back at the past and realize how much has changed and evolved in my life and around me. How I've sort of locked myself away and haven't allowed me to be me in a really long time. Trying to meet the expectations of other people and forgetting who I really am, forgetting the things I love and the things that are important to me. Thinking that somehow I was suppose to measure up to people that are nothing like me, people that don't have a clue about reality yet. The meaning of family, friendship and the daily responsibilities that I have. I am so glad that I realized that I love me, I don't have to measure up to anyone.... for anyone. It's okay to be me and there are people that accept and love me for who I am. It's taken me a really long time to realize that but It makes such a huge difference now.
I don't know what is to come next. For now, I'm taking it day by day. That's all I can do. I was with my husband for 11 years. I love him, but I've learned I have to love myself more. Everything wasn't bad, but the bad started outweighing the good. Then I realized I had to make a choice. It is one of the hardest choices I've made. I don't know if we will eventually work things out or not. The ideal situation for probably most people including me would be to stay married and raise our kids together. The past few months I've figured out that sometimes the 'ideal' situation isn't always what's best. There are days that I struggle with this and there's days that I know for now, I've made the right choice for everyone involved regardless of how hard or heartbreaking it is.
I have came really far in the past few weeks. A month ago or even a year ago, I felt incomplete and worthless, sad and alone. I have felt so unattractive and repulsive at times. And for once in a really long time I am doing things on my own terms and that includes embracing myself and who I am. I stood in front of the mirror just a few days ago and for the first time in years I felt attractive and satisfied. Things are not perfect for me right now but things are never perfect and that's okay.