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Life is good.
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I wish I had the time and energy to post more tonight. But I'm just exhausted from surgery last week. Life has been busy. Interesting. Life changing.

I will say this, I have found a new happiness that I haven't known before. I have done more soul searching than one should do in a lifetime. I've done my best to make peace with things of the past. I keep saying my journey has only begun.. and that is has. Every day I look at my life and I come up with some new, creative fun thing I want to do. Some new plan for the future.
TRAVEL TRAVEL TRAVEL.. that has been the plans in progress.

There are still days that I am overwhelmed with the grief of losing people I still hold so dear to my heart. Only time can heal those wounds.

Still in pain and utterly exhausted... I'm cuddling up with my pup for the night and looking forward to tomorrow when I pick my babies back up. Not having my kids every single night is still an adjustment. Although getting a night during the week to myself is much needed sometimes too.
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Life is full of surprises and changes. My divorce finally went through after a very long road. A huge relief. I've dated on and off for the past year and half. Very interesting people out there. And not so interesting for that matter. After spending the first year after my separation from my husband (at the time) and some very dear friends, I've made some major changes in my life. Surrounding myself with people that only want the best for me and my kids. I have a job I love, and currently in my second semester of school. School has been a huge accomplishment for me. I'll be back in my photography soon as well. Have some cool things coming to light with that.

After a lot of heartache and mourning of my marriage, lost friendships and losing myself somewhere along the way..After many sleepless nights, crying, throwing things, burning pictures, more crying and praying... I've finally figured out that I AM OKAY. I can do it on my own without someone else. Without someone laying beside me every night. And it's okay to be single and making your own way. So, i've conquered most of my fears. I learned my ex husband was not the only man out there.. and damn sure not even close to one of the good ones. I've met some amazing people. Very good men. Most with no connection whatsoever, but it helped me "see" the light.. sort of speak.

It's amazing how you can change into someone you never thought you could be. From a very shattered, lost and confused person to a strong, independent woman with confidence and a little fire in her. I don't miss the shattered and lonely woman I saw in the mirror for so long. For a long time I couldn't recognize the reflection looking back at me. Now, although I still have things to work on, I'm happy and content with how far I have come because I know it's only going to get better from here. I'm looking for to the even better days.

I think I've realized more in the past 3 or 4 months how much I've changed with getting my own place and being able to stay here. No longer bouncing around
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......... full of surprises and changes. My divorce finally went through after a very long, hard road. A huge relief. I've dated on and off for the past year and half. Very interesting people out there. And not so interesting for that matter. After spending the first year after my separation from my husband (at the time) and some very dear friends, I've made some major changes in my life. Surrounding myself with people that only want the best for me and my kids. I have a job I love, and currently in my second semester of school. School has been a huge accomplishment for me. I'll be back in my photography soon as well. Have some cool things coming to light with that. Time to do all the things I couldn't before. Time to make my own way.

After a lot of heartache and mourning of my marriage, lost friendships and losing myself somewhere along the way..After many sleepless nights, crying, throwing things, burning pictures, more crying and praying... I've finally figured out that I AM OKAY. The things that happened to me, the things I have been through, don't solely define who I am. They help me grow into a stronger, more determined me. I'm more self aware. I learned that I can do it on my own without someone else. Without someone laying beside me every night. And it's okay to be single and making your own way. So, i've conquered most of my fears. I learned my ex husband was not the only man out there.. and damn sure not even close to one of the good ones. I've met some amazing people. Very good men. Most with no connection whatsoever, but it helped me "see" the light.. sort of speak.

It's amazing how you can change into someone you never thought you could be. From a very shattered, lost and confused person to a strong, independent woman with confidence and a little fire in her. I don't miss the shattered and lonely woman I saw in the mirror for so long. For a long time I couldn't recognize the reflection looking back at me. Now, although I still have things to work on, I'm happy and content with how far I have come because I know it's only going to get better from here. I'm looking for to the even better days.

I think I've realized more in the past 3 or 4 months how much I've changed with getting my own place and being able to stay here. No longer bouncing around from one place to the next. It has not been easy and I have just enough to get by.. but *I* am getting by. That is what matters to me. Great sense of accomplishment and independence. It was a very big deal to prove to myself that I could make it on my own. And I am doing just that.

I've also realized that had I stayed in those lost friendships, I'd be in a completely different place in my life. And it's a blessing in diguise I think that all this has happened. Sometimes you just have to walk your own path. Sometimes you have to embrace the bad to get to the really good part.

I don't make all the right decisions. I'm still learning who I am and where I want to be. Learning to grow. Learning to open up to new people and new things. Trying to embrace the things that come my way. Trying to hold on to what is important to me. Holding onto the amazing people that have made a difference in my life.
Current Mood:
accomplished accomplished
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Only in the recent weeks have I come to some place in my heart where I can distinguish the mixed emotions that have continued to battle each other over the past year. And here I am, not mad anymore, not completely torn apart and heartbroken like I once was. Make no mistake, my heart still hurts because I love you and I miss you every day. Some days it's still overwhelming but I manage, I imagine just as you do.
I woke up in the middle of the night about a week ago, after dreaming about you. Which I've done a lot in recent weeks. Dream of you, things that we've gone through over the past few years. I've realized that because of you, I am so much stronger than I was. I guess in some way I looked up to you. This strong, beautiful woman who knew how to stand up and fight for what she wanted and what she knew was right. Not allowing people to trample over her. Something I haven't always possessed. Something I wanted and needed to move forward in my life. To learn to let go and realize that some things I couldn't change. Some people I couldn't change. Some things are just broken and were not for me to fix. For the first time in years I walk without fear. Expanding without fear or reservation. I've learned to be self-reliant and well...make my own path. I had a lot to learn and I'm sure that the journey is only beginning. The lessons never end, do they?
I guess the saying is right... some things are meant for a season, not a life time. That's a hard thing to grasp. In my heart, I hold onto the possibility that somehow one day we will get passed all this. But I guess that's the part that feels empty without you. But, there's the other part that knows that door has been closed.
Thank you for everything you've ever done. For holding my hand when I had no one else, for reminding me that I could do anything. I just had to take the first step. And only I could take that step. For allowing me to be a part of the lives of some of the most amazing people I've ever met. I hope that when you look back, all the good overshadows the bad.
Thank you for loving me...
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is exactly what I've needed for so long. The struggles and hard work is finally paying off. Things have been on the turn around for a little while now. I start school in the summer, finally got "officially" accepted yesterday. So I'm very excited about that. I'm losing weight and getting in shape. Very motivated these days to make changes for the better. Time to leave the past behind and start fresh. It's a new chapter for me and I'm embracing it. I know I can sit around a mourn over things that are out of my control at this point. Some things are just broken.. and broken for a reason that isn't always understood but a necessity.
It's taken entirely more heartache than I would've liked to make me see the things that I do now. To show me the things that you have to let go and those that you keep with you and embrace.
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I don't know how many times I've sat down to write, simply to get it off my chest and it all just leaves me. I guess I should get up out of bed at 3am when I wake with all the overwhelming stuff in my head. It's been a year since I wrote in my journal. In that year, my life has change dramatically. There were many lessons to be learned and many came in the last year. After a very rough few months, I had the courage to file for divorce. After 14 years of struggling, begging, pleading, fighting for my marriage, my life, I walked away when there was no other choice. I stand by that decision 11 months later. The divorce is still in the process unfortunately but it shouldn't be much longer. My soon to be ex-husband and I have managed to have a whole new relationship and get along very well. We talk daily about the kids and things that relate to them. He's moved on, which is a good thing for me I'm sure. He's living with a women and her son. Surprisingly enough I get along well with her, she's very good to my kids.
I've dated around a little. Dated someone for about 4 months, turned out he needs to be medicated....I think he's worse than my ex-husband but on a whole different level. He reminds me of those men that are nice, comforting, nurturing one minute and then flips the script the next, then apologizes..and suddenly one day they try to kill you. I know that sounds drastic, but I'm certain he has some very serious mental issues going on. Very possessive and jealous, but very sweet and nurturing at other times.. very, very creepy. So needless to say, I'm done with that. Learned my lesson once, no need to learn it twice.
I lost my best friend, actually a few friends. That's a whole different post that I'm still not ready to tackle. I'm not sure which was harder. Losing my husband or my best friend. It all happened at once, and I was in a very bad place in my life. Very confused, very hurt and in a constant state of disarray. I made choices that ultimately hurt a lot of people and ended relationships.
At this point in my life, I've learned to stand on my own, walk alone. I was very dependent on people in my life, for emotional support, steering me in the right direction. I've learned to make my own choices without the input of everyone else. Without fear. I've realized that no relationship can survive anything. It's simply not possible. I still have rough days, days that the hurt is just as raw as it was 6 months ago, a year ago..but I know it takes time. Some days I feel very lost without the love and support I once had but I remind myself that what's done is done, and there's no going back. That my only choice is to move forward and move on.
At this point I know I've taken steps to better myself. To make a better life for me and my kids. I'm not in constant turmoil, for the most part, I'm pretty content. I'm not in overdrive 24/7 anymore. I sleep better most days. There was months that I was barely sleeping, sometimes I'd go days with no sleep.
I'm enrolled in school for the summer, something I've wanted to do for years and just never felt like I could. I've considered moving a lot over the past year. Something that still sits on my mind and it's something I'd like to do.
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when you look in the mirror and suddenly you realize for the first time how much your face has aged and you no longer recognize the person standing before you? Is it the moment when you're sitting next to your partner wondering if they feel just as lifeless as you? At what point do you decide your life is for you, not for someone else. Not for the people you love. But for you? We sacrifice every day for those we love. Those we can't live without. What most of us never realize is that the only thing we are sacrificing is ourselves, our happiness, our sanity.
I sit here, every day, asking myself, how long can you pretend? How much longer will this face last? Will it be to late? Will I look around one day and see that there's nothing left? What am I so afraid of? That.... well that, I've yet to figure out. What I do know is that I feel very lost. Very empty. And very unsure of how to change my destiny.
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I'm reliving a part of my life that I desparately never wanted to see again. And all I can do is hope with every bean of my body that the outcome is not what it was the first time. I know there isn't much I can do. That is the hardest part. I don't even have words right now. I just feel very helpless and sad.

I started this entry a week ago, leaving it unfinished because I was to overwhelmed to speak another word. And today, today has been a very unsettling day. It seems as though something keeps unraveling in my life and I'm not sure why or even how to handle the majority of it. It's one bad thing after another. Just when I think to myself that "it's not that bad, it could be worse", it gets worse. Something else knocks me down.
This is all making me very overwhelmed and just beyond unsettled -- so much so that I've sat here for 4 hours staring at the walls, trying to make sense of something. Trying to find something that I even remotely feel in control of.

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It's another late night and I'm sitting here wondering where life goes next. I stay up because I can't sleep or because I know the sooner I go to sleep, the sooner the next day comes. Most of the time, I wonder how you can be so self aware and still be in a very dark place that you can't get out of. Being aware that you're stepping in dangerous territory and where that road leads. But being unable to pull yourself away.

There were times when I would never ask for help or even let on that I needed help. I finally realized that everyone needs help sometimes. Now I'm left wondering why people brush things off so easily when you put yourself out there. Hoping that someone will give you something to help get you out of this place. Not knowing yourself what exactly you need, only knowing that you do need something. It all makes me wonder what it takes for people to really see, to really understand. Maybe someone else can't understand. Can't grasp what other people are feeling or what they are needing. Or maybe they give you more credit than you deserve Maybe they think you are stronger than you really are.

I guess it's hard to tell. How do you help someone that doesn't know how to help theirself? What do you do when you cry for help but noone answers?

What do you do when you feel like you can't breathe? And no matter what you do, you're always running from something. Something you can't see, you can only feel. How much can one person endure before they break? How do you escape the darkness, the loneliness, the fear?

Maybe I'll never know. Maybe there's no answer to any of this.
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